


A (Barisi) Christmas Carol

by jamesgatz1925



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A Christmas Carol AU, Christmas, Dead Characters, Developing Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-23 22:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17089265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesgatz1925/pseuds/jamesgatz1925
Summary: Rafael is surrounded by terribleness, but it doesn’t help that he doesn’t help himself. Hopefully his chains can be broken before morning.





	1. Before Morning

Rafael wasn’t unhappy. 

 

It just wasn’t the same.

 

It hadn’t been for a long time. His Abuela died, then Dodds was killed, then he completely ruined his entire life by killing the baby, then he left the DA’s office to join Rita’s firm, then Rita died...

 

Everyone died. That’s what happened. Rafael’s life slowly began to unravel and it all centered around death; deaths that, really, he couldn’t and shouldn’t control.

 

So now he focused on the bigger pictures: he had work, he had the money he deserved his entire career, and he was fine.

 

It was all fine.

 

Except that it was the eve of Christmas Eve and Rafael didn’t even notice. He didn’t have a tree, not a single decoration or present, and all he was focused on was his current trial, where he was defending a former gang member getting off a few drug charges. At least it wasn’t murder, and at least the gangs weren’t trying to kill him anymore.

 

Because death, somehow, surrounded him a great deal.

 

Like death, Christmas was unavoidable, which is why he found himself answering to a light and unexpected tap at the door.

 

“Come in,” Rafael called, wondering who couldn’t be visiting at almost 8 o’clock at night.

 

And then waltzed in Detective Carisi, looking the same as always, with a dopey grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

 

Rafael found himself hating the image, because it wasn’t the same either. The detective used to chase, and it was fun. Rafael almost allowed himself to be caught a few times, but more recently, he couldn’t. He didn’t laugh with Carisi, he didn’t flirt, and he didn’t feel any hope in his cold, dark heart that it would ever be the same between them again, because although Carisi’s eyes had the gleam, Rafael knew the window had been closed a long time ago, slammed shut and locked with Rafael ignoring Carisi’s constant calls when Rita passed.

 

“Detective,” Rafael mumbled.

 

“Evening, Counselor. Just dropped in to say Merry Christmas.”

 

“Christmas? Is it really?”

 

Carisi sighed. “Come on, Raf. What are your big plans for the holiday?”

 

“Plans? Well, court on Thursday, then—“

 

“Vacation?”

 

Rafael snorted. The idea. A vacation.

 

Detective Carisi dropped in the seat across from Rafael. Rafael thought he would be disappointed to hear the last person to occupy that chair was a gang member seeking law advice.

 

“The Rafi I used to know wouldn’t dream of missing a vacation. Warm beach, hot sun—“

 

“Yeah? Maybe he’s still there.”

 

The detective chuckled. “We’re having a party at Liv’s tonight—“

 

The mention of Olivia made Rafael’s stomach turn. Worse than his relationship-or lack of-with Carisi was his relationship with Liv. Sure, he left, but she didn’t try to stick around, either. His two best friends were gone, and Rafael was unsure which inability to talk to them was worse.

 

“Congratulations,” he sarcastically said instead of letting himself be upset for nothing.

 

Carisi sighed. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

 

Rafael glanced up at him. “Well, what do you want me to say?”

 

Carisi shook his head. “Nothin’. You don’t gotta say nothin’.”

 

“I don’t have to say anything,” Rafael corrected.

 

“You’d be happier back at the DA’s office.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes. Sonny always did this. He used to work it in to regular conversation, wait for a nice transition. But now, he just reminds Rafael of the DA’s office any change he had. He would probably walk into the office exclaiming, “Come back to the DA’s office!” if he knew Rafael wouldn’t slam the door in his face.

 

“I just think you’re wasted over here.”

 

“Really? Because I have a lot of wins in my column.”

 

Carisi shook his head and let out an exasperated chuckle. “Okay, Barba, you win. I’ll get outta your hair.”

 

“Thanks for the visit,” Rafael said, not looking up from his papers as Carisi stood and headed for the door.

 

Rafael didn’t offer a goodbye as Carisi left, not even a ‘happy holidays’ or well wishes. He never did, not to baristas or strangers or his own colleagues.

 

But, of course, Carisi couldn’t go without a final word.

 

“You know—“ he started, but just as quickly cuts himself off.

 

“God, what?” Rafael asked, annoyed now. Why couldn’t Carisi just go? Didn’t he see that Rafael has work to do?

 

“Nothin’. It’s just that...you used to not be this way, Rafi. I wish I knew what happened.”

 

Life happened, Rafael thought, as he allowed a glance at Carisi’s back as he finally exited the room.

 

The last thing Rafael ever wanted was to be a disappointment, to anyone, ever. He was bright, boisterous, and full of life as a child. But...too many comings and goings. Too much to let your interior remain untouched by your rough exterior. Rafael hardened, in his heart and in his head, and he never looked back.

 

An hour, maybe two, passed unnoticed. The office room grew darker and darker with the passing night and Rafael didn’t notice. He had a ton of work to do. He ignored his grumbling belly, his itching eyes, in favor of the scratch of his rapidly firing pen on paper.

 

Finally, there was another knock on the door and Carmen entered without the invitation.

 

“Mr. Barba?” she greeted. Gone were the days of hearing practical pet-names from Carmen. ‘Boss’, ‘Rafi’, ‘Grumpy Jackass’...that man is gone.

 

“Yes?” he asked.

 

“I’m leaving,” she said. “If that’s...it’s 10 o’clock.”

 

“Oh, right. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

 

Carmen didn’t say goodnight or move. She just stood for a second, and Rafael could tell she wasn’t done talking.

 

“Yes?” he asked again.

 

“I was just...wondering...” Carmen cleared her throat. “See, a lot of people are taking tomorrow off because it’s Christmas Eve and—“

 

Rafael had work to do! Work he couldn’t get done without her! “Christmas Eve isn’t the holiday.”

 

“I know, but—“

 

Rafael sighed. There probably wasn’t any winning, so he compromised. “Just come in at 10.”

 

Carmen frowned, but she nodded. “See you then.”

 

“Goodbye,” he said back, but Carmen didn’t offer the same. She just turned around and walked out of the room.

 

Rafael stayed for another hour. By the time he left the office, the moon was high in the sky and there was a light dusting of fresh snow falling to earth. It was freezing, but Rafael hardly felt it. Not because he was naturally warm, but because the cold seemed to follow him wherever he went anyway.

 

Hunger eventually got to him, and he couldn’t remember the last meal he had. Gone were also the days when Carmen would make it a point to make sure he ate. She used to take care of him so well.

 

He used to take care of her, too.

 

Those days are far behind them.

 

So, realizing he was very hungry, Rafael ducked into the first decent sounding restaurant he could and ate. He didn’t taste a thing. Food just wasn’t the same anymore.

 

Then, he arrived home, to his newer apartment that he was able to afford with the raise he earned. It was beautifully furnished with couches and chairs he didn’t sit in, appliances he didn’t use, and books and movies he didn’t read or watch. There was no point to him owning this home—not that it could be called a home. It was hardly that.

 

Rafael changed into his pajamas and went to bed, not that he felt particularly tired, he didn’t really feel anything, but it was just something he should have done.

 

Rafael has his eyes closed for what felt like two minutes when his doorbell rang. His eyes shot open and he groped around for his phone to see that it was nearly 3 A.M. Surprised and confused, Rafael rolls out of bed to check the door.

 

The doorbell rang again as he approached.

 

“Hang on!” he shouted.

 

Against what used to be his better judgement, Rafael opened the door before checking the peep-hole or asking who it was.

 

But, to his complete shock, there was nobody waiting on the other side.

 

“Fucking electricity,” he chalked it up to, shutting the door tight and locking it again.

 

Rafael turned his back to return to his bedroom, then the doorbell rang again.

 

He stopped in his tracks. It was a weird coincidence for the bell to ring again as he was walking away—

 

Still, he checked the door once more, but nobody was there.

 

A little spooked now, Rafael shut and locked the door again, just waiting for another ring.

 

He made it all the way back to his bedroom before it rang again. But this time, knowing nobody was there, he didn’t get back up to answer it.

 

Rafael practically jumped out of his skin when, instead of a ring, there was a terribly loud knock on the door.

 

Breathing heavily, trying not to think the worst of the situation, Rafael slowly climbed out of bed and headed back to the door. On his way, there was another knock, and Rafael was sure he’d probably shit his pants out of sheer fear if he opened the door and nobody was there.

 

Sure enough, the well lit hallway was empty. Rafael slammed the door shut and muttered an Our Father in sure Spanish as he locked it once more.

 

Rafael backed away from the door, nervous for another knock, then finally turned back to his bedroom.

 

Then, he let out a loud scream because there, right in his living room, was Rita. It was impossible, but all the hair on Rafael’s body stood on end and after the scream, he paused frozen in fear.

 

“Like you’ve never seen a ghost before,” Rita coolly said.

 

Rafael couldn’t say anything. He was so shocked.

 

“Of course, you see but you don’t believe. Practically everyone does. I’ve checked on you a few times, but you’re none the wiser. Your eyes are never open.”

 

“Uh, uh—“

 

“Oh, close your mouth. What, Barba, are you scared?” Rita smirked wisely, just as she had anytime she cracked jokes at him in life.

 

Rafael finally got ahold of himself as Rita walked through the room. He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbed them to wake himself up, but when he opened them back up, Rita was still there, looking at the books on his shelf.

 

Rafael noticed now, among her slight gray and transparent form, that she had chains connecting her feet together, then a long chain connecting it to her hands, like a prisoner. She couldn’t move a lot, not that he imagined she needed to. Where did a ghost need to go?

 

“Why...why do you have those chains?” he ventured.

 

“Oh, do you like them? I made them myself.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I sculpted them in life. That’s what happens, I guess. The chains you distribute in life follow you to death. They’ll follow you. Maybe if I’d given more, been a better person, found love...cancer was probably only an excuse to get me out.”

 

“Of the chains?”

 

“Of life,” she said.

 

Rafael swallowed hard. Was she there to kill him?

 

“I don’t have a lot of time,” she continued. “I’m here as a warning.”

 

“To...be good?”

 

Rita chuckled. “I’m not Santa Claus. You’ll be visited by three ghosts.”

 

“Two more?”

 

Rita rolled her eyes. “Three after me, dumbass.”

 

“Why?”

 

Rita jingled her chains. “Your chains are getting too tight. The first ghost will be here soon. Good luck, Rafi.”

 

Rafael just stared as Rita went to the front door.

 

“I’ll see you, Rafi,” she said.

 

He had so many questions, so much to say, but he was just in shock. He wanted to tell her he missed her, that he needed her back, but the words couldn’t come.

 

“Will I see you?” was all he could ask.

 

“We’ll see,” she said, then walked straight through the door.

 

Rafael was sure he was dreaming, so he went back to his bed and tried to steady his rapidly beating heart. He’d wake up soon. He’d wake up and convince himself that Rita was just a dream.


	2. The Ghost of Christmas Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! Please review!

Rafael waited, huddled and shaking in his bed, for his doorbell to ring again. There was no way he could ignore it, ignore Rita, ignore her warning, or ignore how real she was in his living room. He couldn’t have dreamt that. He couldn’t have conjured the image in his mind, not with how glum he had been. 

 

Rafael waited for what seemed like hours, awake and nervous, and finally the signal came. The doorbell rang again.

 

Rafael didn’t get out of bed. He couldn’t move, paralyzed in fear. He didn’t know what to expect, if Rita was right. He didn’t want another interaction with a ghost.

 

“It’s rude to keep guests waiting, Rafael.”

 

Rafael didn’t jump, was suddenly very not scared, for the voice now inside his bedroom was far too familiar to be afraid.

 

It was his Abuela.

 

Rafael slowly turned over to face her, because he had to see her. He had to see the face of the woman he loved for than most, the woman who meant more than the world to him.

 

She was glowing. She was beautiful and radiant, in her favorite nightgown (the one she passed in) and had a bright smile.

 

The sight of her made Rafael cry. He cried and felt the relief he’d needed for a long time.

 

He climbed out of bed and went to her. He stopped to hug her, but in her transparent form, he fell to the ground instead.

 

“I can’t feel you, mi amor,” Abuela informed him, then added, “You are sad.”

 

Apart from his tears, Rafael knew Abuela knew him so well that she would be able to tell his mood without showing it so blatantly.

 

“I miss you,” was all he could say. “Te echo de menos.”

 

“You have no idea, mi amor.”

 

Abuela didn’t touch him, couldn’t, but somehow she tipped Rafael’s chin up to look at her through watery eyes.

 

“Come. We have things to see.”

 

As Abuela turned to walk to the window in Rafael’s bedroom, Rafael scrambled to his feet to follow. He only paused for a moment when Abuela walked right through the window.

 

Something told him to follow, or at least try; so, feeling like a fool, Rafael walked at the wall and right through it.

 

He didn’t fall out of his sixth floor apartment, or anywhere he recognized at first. But, after a second of taking the new, bright setting in, Rafael recognized Abuela’s old house’s living room. The one in south Florida, where Abuela lived before they fled to New York suddenly one middle of the night.

 

This time, the scene before him, was the last truly great Christmas he could remember. It was him, Abuela, and Mami, all three happy and healthy. He must have been five, and his father had to work, giving them a peaceful holiday without any fighting.

 

Tiny Rafael—Rafi—had a big toothy grin on his face, and was waiting patiently for a present to open on Christmas Eve. He had one for Mami and Abuela, little ornaments he made at school, and they had one waiting for him.

 

The sight filled Rafael with joy. He remembered how happy he was then, on that Christmas, because it was the best day ever. He got a bike, which was a hand-me-down from the kid next door, but it was still his very own bike. His Mami was happy, Abuela was happy, and they just enjoyed each other’s company all day.

 

“Remember this?” Abuela asked, walking around the living room, passing her younger self to look at the old trinkets in the room.

 

“How could I forget?”

 

“You have forgotten,” she told him. “In your heart.”

 

Rafael frowned.

 

Like his mood, the scene changed. The room rapidly transformed into the next Christmas, when Mami was a nervous wreck because they’d just left Florida. It was sudden one night, while his father was passed out drunk upstairs, when they boarded a boat and sailed north.

 

This must have been why his mood was continuously sour over the holidays. Ever since this Christmas, they were never as happy as they could have been. Mami was always looking over her shoulder, until he found them in New York. She was always trapped. And then, when she finally officially left him, she was always worried because she didn’t have the money to give Rafael the Christmas he deserved. Even though he got over caring about the material things quickly, it was never any easier for Mami to get through the holidays.

 

Mami and Abuela were speaking in hushed tones near the tiny kitchen in the tiny apartment, and tiny Rafael sensed something happening, so he went to them. Mami picked him up and squeezed him tight.

 

“Do you remember what you said to her?” Abuela asked.

 

“I told her I didn’t even want Santa to come. I just wanted her to stop crying.”

 

“She was so proud of you,” Abuela said. “She still is, Rafi.”

 

Rafael doesn’t feel that. Not only has he not spoken to Mami in a while, not in any length since before his trial, and certainly not after her moved to “the dark side”, but he’s done a lot of questionable things in the past years.

 

“She shouldn’t be,” Rafael says, feeling that completely. Nobody should be proud of him. He’s thrown everything away. And for what?

 

Tiny Rafael ran through to a bedroom, and Rafael wanted to follow, but when he passed the threshold to the room, the scene changed again. This time, he was in his college dorm room, exchanging gifts with his first boyfriend.

 

Rafael soared a sideways glance at Abuela, unsure of what she was going to say to the scene before her.

 

But Abuela sighed. “Mi amor, I’ve known you for forty-five years. If I didn’t know you were gay yet, I would be surprised in myself.”

 

Rafael hated when people assumed. What, because he dressed nice, he was gay? Everyone could stand to dress like they cared about themselves.

 

But Abuela wasn’t assuming. Abuela knew him. Abuela knew him better than anyone else. Abuela knew him better than he knew himself.

 

Rafael focused on the scene before him again. Matthew, his boyfriend, was about to tell him he has the keys to his parents getaway cabin up north. Rafael told him they should break up.

 

“But...I don’t understand,” Matthew said. “I thought we...”

 

Rafael loved Matthew so much, he remembered the feeling. His first love. He saw himself with Matthew forever, and that’s why Rafael needed to end it. He couldn’t take Matthew home to meet his family. He couldn’t be with Matthew without putting his career in jeopardy. He and Matthew couldn’t truly be free.

 

Flash-forward twenty-five years and Rafael knew they could have been.

 

“You thought I was going to be upset,” Abuela said. “You thought I wouldn’t love you anymore. The fact is that I did love you, I do. Nothing you could ever do would make me not love you, Rafi.”

 

Rafael felt tears in his eyes again. All the pain and agony this predicament caused him in youth came flooding to the surface, and Abuela was telling him it was okay.

 

“Why am I seeing this?” Rafael asked. The past scenes were of his family, remembering Christmas when it was good. This memory is heartbreaking.

 

“To remind you that even you can open your heart to love.”

 

Rafael frowned again.

 

“And to say that no matter what you do, I’ll never be disappointed in you.”

 

Before the fight could break out between himself and Matthew, the one that caused him years of agony because he finally lied and told Matthew he did not love him, the room swirled and he found himself in the SVU conference room.

 

Rafael’s heart jumped when he realized what day this was: it was the day Sonny Carisi waltzed into his life.

 

Sure enough, the familiar voice sounded behind him and Rafael knew before he could turn around that Sonny had made his entrance.

 

The thought flashed through his mind that had when he first met that man; what a mouth. Those lips.

 

“Rafi,” Abuela ticked. “You would have thought I raised you better than that.”

 

Rafael chuckled.

 

Abuela stood behind him. “You remember this feeling. The first time you met your Sonny.”

 

“He’s not—“

 

“He isn’t?”

 

Rafael shook his head.

 

“The poor boy went out of his way to wish you a Merry Christmas today and what did you do?”

 

“I was an ass,” Rafael agreed.

 

“Just remember the feeling,” Abuela said.

 

“How could I?”

 

As Sonny left the room upon their first meeting, as current-Rafael mirrored then-Rafael and watched him go, Abuela began to walk to the door, where it was dark just beyond.

 

“Where are we going now?” Rafael asked, following her on instinct.

 

“Home,” she said. “It’s time to say goodbye.”

 

Rafael felt himself begin to cry again. He didn’t want to say goodbye. He didn’t want to lose Abuela again.

 

As if hearing his thoughts, as they entered his bedroom again, she said, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m always here.”

 

“But...”

 

“It’s time to go,” Abuela whispered, this time Rafael noticed it was Spanish. Maybe they’d been speaking Spanish the entire time. Rafael hadn’t spoken Spanish in a very long time, as if it closed off with the rest of his heart.

 

“I love you,” he told her. All he could say.

 

“Te quiero, mi amor,” Abuela said, her form fading into the darkness of the bedroom. “Take care of your mother.”

 

“I will,” he promised.

 

“Don’t forget to love,” she added.

 

And that was the last thing she said.

 

Rafael sobbed. That’s all he could do. He just cried and cried.

 

Until finally, the doorbell rang again.


	3. Ghost of Christmas Present

Rafael didn’t feel fear for what was to come, but he was somewhat pleasantly surprised when Mike Dodds showed up in his bedroom. 

 

“Mike?” Rafael asked, staring at him.

 

Mike grinned. “You act like you’ve never seen a ghost before.”

 

Rafael ignored the joke. He wasn’t in much of a joking mood, after all. He was talking to a dead man.

 

Mike jerked his head. “Come on. I’ve got some things to show you.”

 

Rafael scrambles our of bed to follow Mike. They went to the door to Rafael’s bedroom this time, but when they walked through, they were no longer in Rafael’s apartment. The threshold had turned the living room into the streets of New York, but not anywhere Rafael was immediately familiar with.

 

“So tell me, Rafael. How are things? How is everyone?”

 

Rafael honestly couldn’t say. He hadn’t talked to any of Mike’s old squad in a long time. He’s only seen Sonny, and even then, he doesn’t know how the man is.

 

“I’d heard that you left,” Mike filled the silence. “Kind of surprised me when I found out you became a defense attorney. What did Sonny think of that?”

 

“He’s still mad,” Rafael said.

 

“I can see why. Anyway, our first stop is just ahead.”

 

Rafael looked up at an old apartment building. “Where are we?”

 

“I thought you’d want to visit your employee on Christmas.”

 

In a second, the scene changed, and Rafael found himself in Carmen’s apartment. But it wasn’t just Carmen, it was Carmen and two other women, and the apartment was tiny, and Carmen was trying to talk on the phone and wrap a Christmas present while the other two bickered outside her door. There was another bed in the room, so she didn’t sleep alone, but the room was also very rundown and sad.

 

“Carmen lives here?” Rafael asked.

 

Mike nodded. “With two roommates.”

 

Rafael felt horrible. As his pay went up, Carmen’s went down, and he never put any thought into giving her a raise or bonus.

 

Rafael finally tuned in to Carmen’s conversation.

 

“No, I know I said I’d be there but I have to work...yeah, just save me...” Carmen rubbed her eyes. “Tell Grandma I’m sorry—“

 

“Who is she talking to?” Rafael asked.

 

“Her mom. She was supposed to drive to Baltimore tomorrow because her grandma and the rest of the family would be there at her parent’s house, but since she has to work...”

 

Rafael’s heart sank.

 

Carmen was crying now. “Mr. Barba is a good man, Mom. It’s just...I know, I know I should find a new job...just...not right now...I know—“

 

The thought of losing Carmen because of how he’s been treating her almost makes Rafael cry. He hated the thought of causing someone so much pain.

 

“Tell her she can take the day. Take the week,” Rafael begged Mike.

 

“I’m a ghost,” Mike reminded him.

 

“Take me back so I can call her.”

 

“It’s the middle of the night. I’m sure you can make amends.”

 

“And her apartment. She shouldn’t have to live—“

 

“She’s hardly home anyway. She’s too busy taking care of you.”

 

Rafael frowned. God, how he’d been treating her. The one person who had stuck with him through everything. And to see how she lives, how much pain she’s in.

 

“Come on,” Mike said. “Now to see some more familiar faces.”

 

When they walked into the next room, it was suddenly Olivia’s apartment, where the SVU squad was having their annual Christmas.

 

“Hey!” Mike cried. “Now this is a party.”

 

There was music, food, and laughter coming from all people. Except one: Sonny, sitting alone on the couch and milking a glass of wine. He sulked silently.

 

“I don’t suppose you have something to do with that?” Mike asked, nodding at Sonny.

 

Rafael knew he upset Sonny, but he didn’t really think Sonny would be that upset hours later.

 

The music in the room turned down and Olivia got everyone’s attention.

 

“I just want to thank everyone for coming and making this night so much fun. Cheers!”

 

Everyone took a drink.

 

Amanda started next. “I think we should toast Dodds. Our fallen friend and loved one.”

 

Mike smiled widely next to Rafael. “Ah, you shouldn’t!”

 

“To Dodds!” everyone cheered, then drank.

 

Sonny sat up and spoke next. “I’d like to toast Rafael.”

 

Rafael paused in shock.

 

Nobody made any sound. It was finally Amanda who broke the silence by snorting.

 

“Why should be toast Rafael, knowing full well what he’s done. And not just what he’s done, but that he left us, Carisi. Left us high and dry when maybe things could’ve been mended—“

 

Sonny stopped her. “It’s not up to us to judge—“

 

“It’s up to us to decide how to treat who doesn’t care—“

 

Olivia finally stopped the bickering. “Guys, guys! Enough, okay? We’re not having this fight again, not here.”

 

Again? Rafael wondered. Do they fight about him a lot?

 

“To Rafael,” Olivia finished, “I hope he finds his peace.”

 

“To Rafael,” everyone halfheartedly toasted, then took a quick drink.

 

Sonny still sulked on the couch as Amanda rolled her eyes and left the small group, opting to tend to the children instead of talk to Sonny.

 

Mike spoke while Rafael watched Sonny. “He prays for you every Sunday at Mass, you know. He asks for God’s help to help you.”

 

“I’ve never...asked him to—“

 

“Of course you haven’t. He’s a good man, Rafael, he’s constantly thinking of other people. If praying for you is the one way he thinks he can help you, that’s what he’ll do. As long as it takes.”

 

Rafael wasn’t a praying man, but he knew how important prayer was to a praying man, so Mike’s story made Rafael think. Sonny cared that much about him, still, even after what Rafael had done and how he treated Sonny.

 

“He loves you,” Mike said.

 

“I know,” Rafael replied, because he did know. Even if Sonny never said it. Rafael knew through thoughts and actions. He knew because Sonny never gave up on him.

 

He loved Sonny, too. Of course he did. But Rafael was never in the right mind, and he was always too afraid. What if he wasn’t enough for Sonny? What if he disappointed Sonny? He couldn’t bare driving Sonny away.

 

Mike waved a hand, indicating for Rafael to follow. “One more,” he said.

 

The next scene was of the familiar church nearest Mami’s house, and his stomach dropped knowing who he was to see next.

 

Sure enough, Mike led him down a row of pews until he was right next to his Mami, alone and down in her seat.

 

“Have you ever seen her this sad?” Mike asked.

 

Rafael nodded.

 

“She’s lost as much as you have. And knowing that she has lost you...you haven’t lost her. She’s lost you.”

 

“I haven’t been good to her.”

 

“You don’t need me to agree with you.”

 

“But I’m afraid—“

 

“Rafael, can’t you see? The people who love you most just miss you, that’s all. Nobody is glad you’ve been withdrawn. Nobody is disappointed. Jesus, look at Rollins. She’s just pissed at you. She’s mad at you for leaving them, for treating Sonny like shit. You haven’t even bought your mom a Christmas present.”

 

Rafael is beginning to see, but most of what he feels is guilt.

 

“Guilt will only be turned around by doing better.”

 

Tears well in Rafael’s eyes.

 

“Time to go back,” Mike said, leading Rafael out of the church.

 

Rafael tried to hide his tears, but Mike caught them anyway.

 

“Let it out, man. Crying does the soul some good.”

 

Rafael nodded, letting the tears go.

 

“Call your mom. Call Sonny. Call Liv. And, do me a favor, will ya? Send my fiancé a really good Christmas present.”

 

Rafael nodded. “I’ll do my best.”

 

Mike gave him a smile. “Good to see you, Barba.”

 

“You too, Mike.”

 

Rafael was suddenly alone in his pitch black bedroom. He took a moment to compose himself as he sat on his bed, waiting for the next bell, dreading it. What else could he possibly see? What else could make him see?

 

Finally, the bell came, and Rafael froze at the sight of the next ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!


	4. Ghost of Christmas Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is quick. I hope everyone who celebrates Christmas had a good day!

Rafael no longer feared what would come next. What could possibly be worse than seeing the people he loved and was hurting? 

 

It wasn’t until the doorbell rang once more, and the last ghost took presence in his bedroom that he felt anything.

 

His blood ran cold when there, in his bedroom, was his deceased father.

 

The emotions that ran through Rafael were like lightning. Anger, confusion, fear...but as he knew with the last ghosts, his father couldn’t touch him or harm him. Plus, he held all the power. All he had to do to make his father go away was wake up. It was all a dream after all, wasn’t it?

 

Miguel smiled at Rafael, a grin slowly matching his own over the years and loathing swept through Rafael. Was this God’s evil way of showing how he was becoming his father in so many ways?

 

“How’ve you been, Rafi?”

 

Rafael didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to.

 

Miguel ticked. “Still mad at me? Even after you spent all that time in the hospital with me—“

 

Rafael did cut in then. He didn’t need his father believing any forgiveness had gone on in those months. “I thought it was the right thing to do.”

 

“Didn’t have to kill me, though,” Miguel said next, “Pull the plug...” Then, he gave a horrendous cough that accompanied him with the cancer in life.

 

Rafael winced.

 

Finally, when Miguel caught his breath again, Rafael asked what he was going to see.

 

“I’ve already seen how much agony every person around me is in. What more could there possibly be?”

 

“The future,” Miguel said, then, like Mike, led Rafael to the bedroom door.

 

Intrigued, Rafael followed, and he found himself outside. A park? A garden?

 

A cemetery.

 

“What are we—“

 

Miguel led him through the maze of gravestones to a funeral service in progress, where a few people were gathered around a casket ready to be lowered into the ground.

 

Rafael instantly recognized Olivia, Sonny, Carmen, and Lucia. But who he does not recognize is the woman with Sonny.

 

It was the end of services, when Father was blessing the casket and it was about to be lowered. A gravestone was waiting nearby, and Rafael made his way around the people to see whose name was etched on it. He needed to know whose funeral he was attending, even though he already knew. Deep down he knew. He knew how few of people would attend this funeral.

 

Sure enough, it was his name on the headstone. ‘Rafael Barba — 1970 - 2020’ it read, and nothing more. Nothing about being a devoted son. Nothing important. 

 

“Why show me this?” Rafael asked his father, who was standing right behind him.

 

“I’m just showing you the grave you’re digging for yourself. It’s lonely, bare, and cold.”

 

Rafael turned away from the headstone to look at the few people in attendance. Nobody really looked sad. Nobody was mourning. Everyone was just...there. As if they had to be.

 

The service ended in short minutes, and as the casket lowered, the group of people began to step away. Not even Lucia stuck around.

 

“I’ll be by in a few days with the rest of his affairs,” Carmen said to Lucia. “Before I begin my new job with the DA.”

 

“Oh yes, congratulations, dear!” Lucia said.

 

Carmen beamed, smiling like Rafael hadn’t seen her do in some time.

 

So, his death to her meant a new job that made her happy. She took Lucia’s arm and began to lead her down the path, but Rafael could still see them joking and laughing.

 

“We’d better take off,” Sonny announced. “We have a sitter waiting with Junior, so we gotta pick him up and go pick out a cake for the party. We have a cake tasting appointment!”

 

“Your baby only turns one once!” the woman cried.

 

“Yeah, until the next one,” Liv said.

 

Sonny patted the woman’s belly. “Then we’ll be doing it all again, huh?”

 

“Well, we’ll have to!” the woman replied.

 

“Two babies under two,” Liv commented. “I don’t know how you’ll do it.”

 

“I got used to not sleeping a long time ago,” Sonny joked, then the three began down the path, leaving Rafael alone with his father by the grave.

 

“So, everyone’s happy without me,” Rafael said.

 

“There’s time to change that,” Miguel replied. “There’s time to change how you treat Carmen, how you treat Sonny. There’s time for them to...to miss you when you’re gone.”

 

“Do you wish you had time?” Rafael asked.

 

“I do. Those few months when you were there for me...I realized I should have wanted that all along. Take it from me, Rafi. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”

 

It was the only advice Miguel had ever given him. And it was good advice.

 

He wanted Carmen happy. He wanted Lucia happy. He wanted his friendship with Liv back and to make amends with Rollins, who clearly didn’t even bother coming to his funeral. And, finally, he wanted Sonny. Period.

 

It wasn’t too late.

 

Those words swirled in Rafael’s head as everything went dark, and he felt himself falling asleep.

 

He woke to sun streaming through the window in the room. And he knew exactly what was going to do.


	5. It Feels like Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> And yes, the chapter title is the name of a song from The Muppet Christmas Carol, which is my favorite version of the story.

Rafael woke with a gasp, sweat staining his shirt from the nightmare that had just been. He gulped in air as he took in the room; everything was normal. It was daytime, morning. 

 

He scrambled for his phone to find the time exactly, and luckily it was only 7:30. The sun was barely up, and Carmen wasn’t headed to work yet. She wouldn’t be for a few hours, but not at all if Rafael could get to her first. He had to make things right with Carmen. Carisi and Lucia could wait. Carmen, his most loyal friend, was first.

 

He knew she needed to get to Baltimore, so a plane ticket was first. He found a flight leaving at noon, which gave him plenty of time to let her know and get her to JFK on time. He didn’t book a return, because he wanted to ask her how long she’d like to stay. After all, he was ready to quit his job, which meant she could quit, which meant she had time. He would make sure she’d have as much time with her family as he’d taken away in the past few years.

 

Since he was on a travel site, Rafael booked himself and Lucia a vacation. Just a few days at the beach, back to their roots so they could mend their drifting hearts. He booked it for after New Years, because he was sure Lucia would need time to prepare for a vacation.

 

When he had Carmen’s gift ready, her booking information printed, Rafael took a fast shower and got dressed. Then, he left his apartment in a dash. There was a light snowfall coming from the sky, but the morning was bright with it.

 

Some businesses still had their Christmas lights on, as well as some apartments, and everywhere Rafael looked, it actually felt like Christmas. Despite the cold, he felt warm and full of love for the people he’d hurt the most.

 

He practically ran to Carmen’s apartment, too impatient to get a ride, plus he was able to stop on the way for a cup of Carmen’s favorite drink from Starbucks. It didn’t seem like long until he was at her rundown building, climbing the flights to her little apartment, trying not to slosh coffee or breathe too hard.

 

Rafael knocked hard on the door, just in case the women were still asleep, so someone would hear him.

 

Eventually, one of the roommates did.

 

“Yeah?” she asked when she opened the door.

 

“Is Carmen here?” he asked back.

 

The woman stepped away from the door and yelled, “Carm, some guy is here for you!”

 

Rafael heard a door open, some heavy footsteps coming to the door, and finally Carmen was there, in her pajamas and hair a mess, yawning, but trying to hold it back when she saw him.

 

“Uh...Mr. Barba—“

 

Rafael schooled his emotions from begging for her forgiveness to act like the ass he had been.

 

“Why aren’t you in the office? 7 A.M., that’s our usual time.”

 

“Oh, uh...you...you said 10, so—“

 

“Well, you’re supposed to be at the airport at 10, so—“

 

Carmen looked confused. “Uh, sir?”

 

Rafael finally held up the paper with the flight information on it.

 

Carmen nervously took it.

 

Rafael couldn’t help the grin spreading across his lips as she read, her eyes growing large with surprise.

 

She finally lowered the paper and looked at him.

 

“Merry Christmas, Carmen,” he said proudly, wishing the first person a Merry Christmas and truly meaning it in a very long time.

 

He saw tears in Carmen’s eyes as she lunged at him, wrapping her arms tight around his neck in a hug. Or the strangling he deserved. The coffee in his hand sloshed when she did, and he gasped in pain when the hot liquid landed on his hand.

 

“Oh, sorry,” Carmen said, backing away.

 

“Oh, no, not the hug, just the coffee,” Rafael said, “Which is also for you, by the way.”

 

Carmen took it, shaking her head in disbelief. “Come in, please,” she offered, leading him to the tiny kitchenette island just next to the front door.

 

“How?” she asked. “When?”

 

“I had a revelation last night, and I...I finally saw how awful I’ve been to you. Really, you should have just kicked my ass a long time ago. I’m truly sorry for treating you so poorly. I have no excuse, you don’t deserve that. I hope this can at least partly make up for it.”

 

“You have no idea,” Carmen said, looking at the paper again. “But...there isn’t a return flight.”

 

“Oh, right, I’m quitting my job later today. So, you’ll have all the time you need with your family before I convince the DA to give me another chance.”

 

“You’re kidding?” Carmen said, even more in disbelief. She practically squealed and took Rafael into another tight hug.

 

“One more thing,” he said as she still hugged him. “If you’re back when I take my vacation next week, I’ll need you to housesit for me.”

 

Carmen pulled back again. “Me? Alone in that big, fancy apartment?”

 

“I have Wi-fi.”

 

Carmen laughed. “No, I’m sold, trust me.”

 

Rafael smiled. “Great. Then just let me know when you want a return flight from Baltimore.”

 

Carmen was smiling bigger than Rafael had seen in a very long time.

 

“Raf, I cant believe you did this for me.”

 

His heart burst when she used a nickname for him. It had been ‘Mr. Barba’ for far too long.

 

“Of course I did. I love you, you’re an amazing friend, and I don’t tell you nearly enough.”

 

Carmen took him in one more hug. “Love you too, Boss.”

 

Rafael hugged her back for a few minutes, but finally he remembered they both had a lot to do. He backed away and began for the door.

 

“You have packing to do and I have...well...”

 

Carmen eyed him. “What are you doing next?”

 

Rafael smiled bashfully. “I’m going to tell Detective Carisi that I love him.”

 

Carmen punched the air. “Oh, fucking finally!” she cried.

 

Rafael laughed. “Yeah, wish me luck, hope that he doesn’t slam the door on my face.”

 

“He won’t, you’ll do great. Let me know how it goes, though!”

 

“I will,” Rafael agreed, then said a goodbye with a quick and friendly kiss on the cheek.

 

Rafael bolted down the stairs of the building and out into the fresh powder of snow, then practically ran in the direction of Sonny’s apartment.

 

He didn’t stop for coffee for Sonny, didn’t have a gift handy, but he hoped it didn’t matter. He hoped all he needed was his words.

 

It seemed like hours before he got to Sonny’s, but it wasn’t that long. It wasn’t long enough to overthink, to change his mind, thank God. It was just enough time to find what he wanted to say.

 

He ran up the stairs to Sonny’s apartment, just like he had to Carmen’s, then he knocked—slightly nicer—on the door.

 

Barking was heard on the other side of the door. Rafael was instantly confused.

 

“Hey, calm down, it’s just the door,” Sonny’s calm voice came over the barking.

 

Then, Sonny was opening the door.

 

He looked surprised. “Rafi,” he breathed out, looking up at Rafael from where he was slightly crouching, holding the dog back.

 

Rollins’ dog, Frannie.

 

Wait, had Rafael completely misjudged—

 

Sonny must have caught Rafael staring confusedly at the dog.

 

“Oh, Rollins took off to Georgia today. I’m dog sitting. Uh, wanna come in so I can close the door?”

 

“Sure,” Rafael sighed, relieved, then stepped into the apartment.

 

Sonny let Frannie go, then the dog took off toward Sonny’s bedroom.

 

“Shit, I hope she doesn’t eat any of my shoes,” Sonny commented, before focusing on Rafael. “What’s up, Rafi? Did you...did you run here?”

 

“Oh, uh, kind of,” Rafael admitted. “I...I had to get here quick.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I have to tell you something,” Rafael said.

 

Then, he was unable to get the words out. He couldn’t tell Sonny that he was sorry, that he had been acting shitty, that he did love Sonny’s company but was saddened by it, because they could never be, how he was going back to the DA’s office, how Sonny was the best person he knew, and how he wanted to be better for Sonny—

 

He just stared into those open, blue eyes, and said, “I love you.”

 

Sonny blinked.

 

“As in, I’m in love with you. I have been for a really long time.”

 

That was all he could say.

 

Sonny blinked again.

 

There was too long of a silence.

 

“Could you...could you say something?” Rafael asked.

 

Sonny finally licked his lips, ready to speak. “I’m just...wondering when you finally realized it.”

 

Now Rafael was confused. “What?”

 

“Well, no shit you love me, Rafi. I’ve known, I was just waiting for you to catch up. Christ, you think I was still dropping in on you for, what? I still hadn’t given up hope. I didn’t want to give up hope. I wanna love you, Rafi. I was just waiting for the opportunity.”

 

“You’ve been loving me this whole time,” Rafael said, because it was true, his head was just too far up his ass to realize that’s what Sonny was doing every time he checked in on him, every time he brought Rafael dinner, every time he reminded Rafael that it wasn’t too late to go back to the DA’s office. He was loving Rafael.

 

“I was ready to wait forever,” Sonny said.

 

Rafael’s ghosts told him last night that that wasn’t true, but instead of dwelling on what could have been, Rafael didn’t say anything.

 

“Are you okay?” Sonny asked.

 

“Huh? Me? I just sprang this on you—“

 

“You kinda sprang it on yourself, Rafi. You look like you just woke up.”

 

“I think I did,” Rafael said, all the realizations popping in his head.

 

“Okay, well...can I do something real quick?”

 

Confused, Rafael nodded.

 

Sonny swept in close quickly, and pressed a gentle peck to Rafael’s lips. He broke away with a smack, and the kiss wasn’t any kind of romantic or passionate. It was quick and easy, simple, as if he was saying hello or goodbye, as if they’d done it a million times.

 

It felt right, perfect, important.

 

“Okay, I’m going to get some coffee. You want some?”

 

Rafael nodded, still stunned.

 

Sonny left him to make the coffee, but it wasn’t long before Rafael caught up with events and followed Sonny.

 

Soon, the coffee was ignored in favor of some more kissing, Rafael backed against the kitchen island and Sonny keeping him there with his solid body. His fingers felt like electricity when he ran them through Rafael’s hair, and each breathy moan from Sonny’s lips gave Rafael a jolt of desire he’s had for the man since day one.

 

Kissing moved them to the couch, where they spent the next few hours alternating between more kisses, just feeling each other out, and actually talking.

 

It was then that Rafael apologized to Sonny, holding him close, stroking his soft hair, whispering in his ear everything he loved about Sonny. Rafael told Sonny that he was going to quit his job and go back to the DA’s office. He told Sonny that he just wanted to be good enough for him. And he told Sonny that he was the best person he knew.

 

Sonny lifted his head from its rest on Rafael’s chest; he looked at Rafael, tears in his eyes.

 

“Don’t you know you are good enough for me?” Sonny asked. “You always have been. Even if you weren’t, I’d still love you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course. Have you seen your ass?”

 

Rafael snorted out a laugh, his head falling back with it.

 

Sonny leaned up and kissed his jaw. “You’d love me, too.”

 

Rafael could only agree, then kiss Sonny some more.

 

They hung out all day, Rafael ordering lunch while Sonny showered. He talked to Carmen again, as she was crying because her mother had just picked her up. She was going to see her grandma, and Rafael knew how that felt.

 

After lunch, Rafael decided he’d better go home to get ready so he could go to church with his mother, knowing she’d be attending the evening mass later.

 

“Can’t you go to Staten Island with me?” Sonny asked, wrapped a borrowed scarf around Rafael’s neck.

 

Rafael let Sonny take care of him. “I have to see my mom.”

 

Sonny pouted. “I know. I’ll just miss you.”

 

Rafael rubbed his arms. “I’ll call you.”

 

“Promise?”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes. “It’s not like we’re star-crossed lovers. I’ll probably see you before you even have a chance to miss me.”

 

Sonny took him in a hug. “I’ve wanted to be with you for so long. I think I’ll always miss you.”

 

Sonny was killing him with the loving proclamations. Still, Rafael had to go.

 

“I’ll see you, okay? I promise.”

 

Sonny kissed his forehead. “Be careful,” he said, saying it for the millionth time to Rafael, and Rafael realized that in itself was an admission of love.

 

“You too,” Rafael said. “Stay warm,” was all he could add.

 

Sonny chuckled. “I could, but someone is taking my scarf—“

 

Rafael motioned to take it off. “I didn’t know it was your only—“

 

Sonny grabbed the ends, yanking the fabric tight again while also pulling Rafael close to him. He kissed Rafael, pushing his tongue deep passed Rafael’s lips.

 

When he pulled away, Rafael was stunned.

 

“You need to go,” Sonny said, grinning.

 

Rafael nodded.

 

Sonny kissed him one last time. “Merry Christmas, Rafi.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Sonny,” Rafael got out before finally leaving the apartment.

 

Rafael didn’t have a lot of time to get ready if he was going to make it to the Bronx on time, but he rushed because he was determined to make it to mass. He actually wanted to, which hadn’t happened in a long time. He even loathed the thought of going to mass for Rita’s funeral, which was the last time he had been. But today felt different. He was ready to pray; pray for hope, pray for forgiveness. He wanted to make his mother happy. He wanted to tell her, too, that he was sorry. He wanted to tell her he loved her before it was too late, just like the fate he’d suffered with Abuela, with Rita. He couldn’t let it happen with Lucia.

 

Rafael raced to the Bronx, opting to take the Subway because he knew it would be a little bit quicker in this weather on Christmas Eve. He walked from the Subway to the church, turning onto the street as the church bells rang.

 

For the second time today, he ran, making it into the building as Father was taking post at the alter.

 

Rafael spotted Lucia quickly, sitting in the corner where she always did. He made his way over quickly, leaning to Lucia to ask her to scoot over for him.

 

Lucia gasped when she saw him. “What are you doing here?” she whispered. She scooted over to make room for him.

 

“I wanted to come to Christmas mass with you,” Rafael admitted.

 

Lucia sniffled, tears in her eyes. She tucked an arm into Rafael’s and snuggled up to him, and as he listened to the readings and the sermon, he felt his mother there, his Abuela with them too, and felt at ease. More at ease than he had making amends with Carmen, more at ease than kissing Sonny, he felt at ease with his mother’s arm in his.

 

When mass ended, and Rafael really felt it all instead of just going through the movements like he had long before his depressive spiral, he and Lucia left the church into the cold winter night.

 

“Where have you been, Rafi?” Lucia asked, her arm still in his as they walked down the street.

 

Rafael shrugged. “I don’t know, Mami. I really don’t know.”

 

She patted his hand. “I’m glad you’re back.”

 

“Me too,” he said, and he didn’t have to say anything more. She knew. She knew he was back, truly.

 

Later, at Lucia’s house next to the bright and warm fire, Rafael told her about the trip he’d booked, about quitting his job, about Sonny. Lucia was delighted by each, of course, and Rafael felt like a kid again, talking about his first crush, which was a nice little girl named Maria who shared a cookie with him during snack time. Rafael was just too happy this time to be embarrassed by her teases.

 

Rafael woke up on Christmas morning in his old bedroom, his phone ringing next to his pillow. Lifting the offending little box, Rafael saw it was Sonny’s name on the screen.

 

He answered with a huge smile on his face.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Good morning, Merry Christmas. How did you sleep?”

 

Rafael laid in bed and had an easy and happy conversation, a photo from Carmen of her entire family waiting for him, and his Abuela’s recipe for plantain pancakes waiting in the kitchen.

 

Later, he would call Liv. He would find out when Rollins will be back from Georgia. He would even make amends with Fin. He was eager to do all of that, but not now. Not with Sonny checking on him, just like Rafael was sure he’d continue doing for the rest of his life. 

 

It truly was an amazing Christmas miracle after all, thanks to his friends who have come and gone, all the people in his heart, and to himself, for realizing and making things right.


End file.
